At age 2, I uttered my first words: "cookie," "Daddy," and "cerebral hemorrhage." At age 5, I brewed my first batch of bathtub beer. At age 7, I was forced to work in the Lawrence coal mines. At age 9, I joined the circus and spent six months shoveling elephant poop. At age 12, I looked at my asshole in the mirror for the first time. At age 14, I kissed my first girl. At age 15, I kissed my first boy. At age 18, I was shipped off to college at Vassar. At age 20, I filled in for Eazy-E during N.W.A's short-lived reunion tour. At age 22, I wrote a book entitled "Mollusks: Nature's Sex Machines." At age 23, I posed nude for "Field and Stream."

Hardcore gangsta hustler

Disemboweling Yankee fans; taking shots of Jameson; worshipping Pedro Martinez; talking smack about other peoples' mothers; listening to "Happiness Is A Warm Gun" over and over again; getting tattoos from seedy parlors in southern N.H.; beating the shat outta my $250 drum kit; knocking off jewelry stores with my hot-tempered, red-headed son; stalking Aria Giovanni; torching Lawrence's dilapidated tenements for absentee landlords; drinking like Ernest Hemingway; splitting atoms; taking dumps in public parks and hotel lobbies; finding an easier way to masturbate and drive at the same time.